discipline, control,

If I can't/won't/don't discipline/control my body how can I realistically expect other aspects of my life to be as I want them? Flow is a fiction, an excuse to be passive. I know this. I know I am reactive. I want to be proactive but my habitual way of being is reactive. For as long as I can remember, instead of making things happen I waited and reacted to what happened. It started as a defense? Defense is not the right word.

childhood. I hate the thought of therapies that start with the distant past yet I can see/sense/acknowledge that the roots of a thing must be healed if the thing (in this case, my self-discipline ?)is to experience growth. Did I say what I mean?

Maybe being reactive is my natural state. Is it wrong/right/okay to alter something's natural state. I repeat; Flow is a fiction. I don't always believe this. So maybe flow is sometimes a fiction.

childhood. This is where the body came into play. Female, Brown, working class, braided hair/pressed hair, book in hand, girl clothes, -- don't call attention to yourself, act right, don't be loud, sit still, act like a child, don't be smart mouthed, mind adults, don't sit like that, stop acting like a boy, little girls don't....

How to erase it all? Can it/ should it be erased? What would happen if it were erased? It'll have to be a spring board. But that's being reactive. Maybe not.

Why do I think I want to be "proactive"? Why do I want to be "proactive"? Is this the same question?